Crushed by Guilt; Saved by Grace
A young inmate serving a 30 year sentence upon a conviction of murder shares how he journeyed from practicing satanic rituals to experiencing the transforming power of God's love and grace. C.N.'s testimony was shared with UBA Pastor and CJM Volunteer, Rev. Charles Anderson. (return to Celebrate page)
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed by thy name.." I learn that prayer back when i was a child. I had very little choice, when the catholic church my family went to was down the block from my grandparent's house. Yes, but despite the fact that i just about grew up in that church, that is not where i met GOD. No, in fact, i never even read a Bible until i came to Prison. My name is C. N. i was sent to Prison at the age of 18 for murder, and i've been locked away for 23 years on a 30 year sentence. At the 17 year mark i had built up a total hatred towards GOD. I believed in Him, i just chose to ignore Him, and do things my way. I did everything to dishonor Him, to curse His Name, and mock His Amazing Grace. Its when i came across a copy of the 'satanic bible' that i knew i had found my calling. I soon learned that GOD was a man-made concept, and if i truly needed to embrace such a concept why not become my own god, and in turn make others fear a true Higher Power. I learned to perform a satanic ritual, and how to take up a satanic name for myself. Which is, me calling a demonic spirit, and giving it complete control over me. I took two satanic names for myself. I began spreading the lie that true freedom was found in the Power of Satan, and how GOD was selfish and unloving. I slowly stopped caring for all things around me, or whether i lived or died. I reached a tipping point when i was sent to lock up for threatening an officer. At first i saw this as a chance to strengthen my faith. I claimed my new cell as my own, and turned it in to a temple of unholy darkness. I would begin each day with a satanic ritual, and a calling of my demonic names, until no love for the light remained. I knew i was losing my mind, but i did not care. Two weeks into my stay there is when i woke up feeling as if my head was being crushed. I knew it was a spiritual attack, but instead of suffering from a sense of dread, i had a heavy heart, and i felt a sadness that was beyond measure. No matter what i did i could not shake this Grief, and it was Just Getting heavier. I accepted what was going, GOD's HolySpirit was convicting me of all my sins, and the weight of my Guilt was crushing me. I cried out to GOD . . . 'I don't know what to do" . . . I also cried out . . . "i don't want to die . . ." At that moment i knew the only answer was to Pray, so I knelt down and did Just that . . . "Our Father who Art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy Name . . ." I cried as I never cried before, for i understood that Christ had taken my sin, and He had Given me His Righteousness. The Power of His love, and Grace is too Awesome to Put in to further words. I simply Give God the Praise and Glory, for without Him i am nothing.
To GOD be the Glory . . .
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