Warning: this article discusses domestic violence and predatory behaviors.
Many of us did not grow up in churches that taught us how to recognize evil. You may have heard a lot about the evils of sex and drugs. But were you taught to look out for people who were pathological liars, drove recklessly, or laughed when they purposely humiliated you? These are problematic behaviors to teach our kids.
We did hear, “And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.” 2 Corinthians 11:14-15 ESV
Wolves in our flocks come in different forms. Predatory personalities count on our desire to give grace and their ability to deceive us to gain access to your church.
As a former church administrator and a survivor of a long-term abusive marriage, I’ve learned there are distinctive characteristics of those with predatory personalities. The three most discussed attributes are those of the “Dark Triad”, simply described as:
1. Refuse to be held accountable
2. Sadism
3. Entitlement
Wolves in our flocks come in different forms. It may be embezzlement, child abuse, sexual abuse, or domestic violence. Predatory personalities count on our desire to give grace and their ability to deceive us to gain access to victims in your church.
In the case of Dennis Rader - the BTK serial killer - the church was a cover for his double life. Did you know he was president of his Lutheran Church’s council when he was arrested?
So what can we do to watch out for predatory personalities?
Realize You Can Be Fooled
Most Christians have loads of empathy which abusers use to their advantage. We’re quick to give grace when something is “off.”
But perpetrators with seared consciences often do not look at people as people. They see opportunity. They can pretend to be a Christian in an astonishingly effective way. Survivors often say, “they can lie better than we can tell the truth.”
Churches are often so desperate to fill a void in ministry that we don’t ask the hard questions about a potential volunteer. Failing to ask questions allows these perpetrators to move from church to church.
Kind Leaders With Little Training
“Look, I’m sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as serpents and as innocent as doves.” Matthew 10:16
Perpetrators may know that leaders often lack knowledge of the vulnerabilities of a church environment. How many seminaries hold classes on coercive control or how wolves operate?
Abusers know that pastors and deacons often serve in thankless and exhausting roles, so their charm and appreciative words are received well. When leaders often discover too late that they have been deceived by someone they thought they knew well. Addressing evil head-on can be overwhelming.
Learning to Move Chaos to Clarity
The patterns if both perpetrators and victims has been well documented by researchers on human behavior and clearly described in the Bible. Yet few churches sit down to study wickedness or its effects. Having a study on the word ”oppression” can bring a lot of clarity.
I formed Seeking Peace Coaching to help churches recognize and respond well to domestic abuse. I speak to women who are trying to discern what to do next. And I speak to ministry leaders at church health meetings and present on these topics.
Listening to survivors can give church leadership powerful insight as to what is really happening behind closed doors for their members. My work now focuses on training leaders to:
respond well to abuse disclosures
understand the effect of witnessing domestic violence on children
the subtle signs of coercive control.
Creating Churches to Protect the Vulnerable
When church leadership takes a clear stand by preaching against domestic violence and child abuse, warning abusers that you will bring public accountability, and following through, perpetrators often move on to the next church.
Training is necessary to help your leaders and members understand the dynamics of abuse and protect the vulnerable. In truth, abuse disclosures are an act of courage and are often followed with isolation, financial loss, and post-separation abuse. False allegations are extremely rare.
Some churches have valued the image of the institution over the lives of the individuals in the pews.
Did you know that 90% of the de-churched evangelicals in the US are women? Many left because the church didn’t protect them.
In addition to my work, I recommend these resources to churches wanting to protect their congregants:
Called to Peace Ministries has a training called Protect the Flock. They will also partner with churches that are going through difficult situations or who have found an abuser in their congregation.
Child sexual abuse experts at G.R.A.C.E Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment can come in as outside observers to help discern where the breakdown in oversight is happening. They help the church respond well.
The Caring Well Initiative provides churches with a clear pathway to immediately prevent abuse and care for abuse survivors well. It can also help you develop church policy and a response team based on what is available in your community. The curriculum “Becoming a Church that Responds Well to the Abused” can help you understand many forms of abuse from the different perspectives of community members who are involved in these issues. The free workbook is available in English and Spanish.
Hope for Change
As a former church administrator who escaped a violent marriage with my church leadership’s help, I’ve spent years studying how abusers operate.
I had the benefit of my leadership witnessing the abuse, but many women do not. (You can listen to a podcast with my pastor from Shadycrest Baptist Church in Pearland here.)
When I attended my first Christian domestic abuse recovery retreat, I was shocked by the other women’s experiences with their churches. I was often the only one in the room who was helped by my church. It was heartbreaking to hear the stories.
We can change that.
When we choose to make our churches safe places for truth, not places for hiding harm, we reflect the heart of Christ.
And we do as He did – set the captives free.
Janet K. Kelly, M.Ed. is the founder of Seeking Peace Coaching, where she empowers women who are breaking free from abusive relationships.
How can church leaders recognize and protect their congregation from predatory people and personalities?