The death of his faithful ones is valuable in the LORD’s sight.
—Psalm 116:15
Death is part of life, particularly the life of a pastor. We must counsel those grieving the loss of a loved one. We must walk with those who have received a terminal diagnosis. Funerals must be performed with a solid and steady manner. On occasion, we must sit with someone transitioning from this world into eternity.
There is a ministry of death.
Death is a tender moment— where the spiritual and the physical come together. You are called to shepherd in this moment.
Lately, our church has walked through the valley of the shadow of death. We have had a dozen or so deaths in a matter of weeks. I’m using this opportunity to coach one of our younger staff members in this ministry. Through the process, I am reminded that not everyone has had the opportunity to minister through death. With that in mind, I would like to share some of the practices I’ve learned over the years.
This list is by no means comprehensive, and I am certain many pastors would be able to add their own practices. These practices are not ranked in order of importance. They are simply thoughts regarding how to shepherd people in the moment of loss—so that we might make death a ministry.
The first ministry is that of presence.
Years ago I learned the difference between the pastoral response and the theological response. Theologically speaking, the Lord has numbered each of our days (Job 14:5). Theologically speaking, the Lord is sovereign over each moment. This is completely true. But this is not always what needs to be said in the raw moments of grief.
“ Just as Jesus walked among us and identified with our struggles, death is the moment to sit with the grieving.”
Our first ministry is that of presence. Show up. Sit down. Pray. Say, “I am so sorry.” Then you should be quiet. You do not need to say anything in this moment. This is the pastoral moment to mimic the Incarnation. Just as Jesus walked among us and identified with our struggles, this is the moment to sit with the hurting and the grieving. Help with logistics. Get coffee or a meal. Be pastoral first.
Theology must be appropriately timed.
There will come a time when the theological questions will come. Or a time will occur when you can naturally point to the Lord. If the death is a surprise or under especially tragic circumstances, you want to speak the truth, but you want to do it in a way that is also loving. You do not need to feel the pressure to write hagiography, but you also do not need to berate. Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).
“Speak in a way that you are truthful but also with an eye to shepherding those who are not part of a church for years to come.”
If you time your theological knowledge correctly, it will be more readily received, and you will have a better chance of continuing to pastor the grieving. Funerals are about the living, not the dead in many respects, so speak in a way that you are truthful but also with an eye to shepherding those who are not part of a church for years to come. The Lord often prepares hearts in moments of loss.
The gospel is truly good news.
Christians find hope in the Resurrection of the dead. Jesus got up out of his tomb, and one day those in Christ will do the same. Those of us in Christ will experience a glorious reunion with others who have preceded us in death. The cross continues to provide forgiveness for sins. We must proclaim the truth of our hope when we preside over a funeral service.
“The reality of eternity cannot be avoided, nor should it.”
I pastor in a global city. It is incredibly diverse. Some have said that I ought to not preach the gospel to respect members of other faiths and to avoid manipulation. While I believe I understand the spirit in which people say such things, I disagree.
A funeral service is one of the few moments in which distracted and wealthy Westerners consider mortality. The reality of eternity cannot be avoided, nor should it. If you are a Christian pastor, I urge you to oversee a Christian funeral service. Preach the gospel.
Make funerals personal—where possible.
Logistically speaking, I have learned a few things over the years. These might help you.
If you can, meet with the family two days before the service. Ask about the deceased’s faith. Look through the deceased’s Bible, if possible. Look for important or underlined passages or verses.
Keep a grief calendar. Send a note or make a phone call on the first anniversary of the death, if possible. The grieved is hurting; your effort will make an impact.
At the graveside or the urn garden—read the 23rd Psalm. Remind them of the Resurrection of the dead. If there is a burial—remind them that graves traditionally faced the East so that they might meet Jesus face-to-face on the day he returns.
Two days after the funeral, someone should check on the family or loved ones. Do they need food? Help with legal matters? Theology? Counseling? Pray with them.
Above all, stay focused on Jesus.
This is a tender moment—what some might call a “thin place.” It is where the spiritual and the physical come together. You are called to shepherd in this moment.
You can do it very well if you focus on the Lord and the grace given in Jesus.
Steve Bezner is Senior Pastor of Houston Northwest Church. He holds degrees from Hardin-Simmons University (B.A., M.A.) and Baylor University (Ph.D). Steve is married to Joy and has two sons—Ben and Andrew. He is a professionally trained Bonhoeffer scholar and a completely untrained amateur cook. You can follow Steve on Twitter via @bezner.
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